Anonymous asked: What is the proper response to unwanted or unsolicited holiday gifts? I mean, what does one say to a can of Cheesey SPAM, a Justin Beeber singing toothbrush, , Pajama Jeans, feather underpants, or DIY Dentistry kit?
First and foremost, I would argue that this is the appropriate initial response to receiving such horrendous gifts, courtesy of Garfunkel and Oates: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yMWTs0YT928
Secondly, what I do in situations like these — or when I receive more than one of a particular item that I wanted — is think of alternate ways to use them!
There was a monologue I did in theatre a few years ago from a play by Christopher Durang, wherein a woman talks about becoming so frustrated at the grocery store when a man won’t move out of her way, so she finally can’t take it anymore, grabs a can of tuna, and clobbers him over the head with it.
That being said, (1) place can of cheese SPAM in purse, (2) using firm grip on can of cheese SPAM, clobber people in grocery stores who won’t get out of your way. BAM. You’ll be so pleased with its performance that you may even want to eat it, but you’ll hopefully decide against that because then you won’t be able to use this tactic again, and that would be highly unfortunate. Plus, cheese SPAM is just… I mean, it’s… No. If I’m being polite here, no.
Ok… Here’s what you’re going to do. I’m assuming this works with some sort of button to start the singing, right? Tape the button down, and place this baby boy singer toothbrush in random public places. If you can, muffle the sound a little bit. Everyone will wonder where Justin Bieber is coming from, but they will not be able to find him. Mwahahaha.
Let me just say that this will be especially satisfying when the batteries wind down because — if Bieby toofbrushes are anything like ’90s era Furbys when their batteries run out of juice — the toothbrush will slow down and begin to sound like Satan incarnate. Then, people will think that Satanic Biebz is on the loose, and, I mean, if you’ve ever wanted an entire coffee shop to yourself, that’s one way to get everyone to clear out.
There’s no excuse for these. The first thing I’ll ask you to do is hold onto one of the pantlegs firmly — after making the present face — and slap your friend across the face with the pantleg. “Oh, you’re so silly!” they’ll utter, but come on now.
That being said, these may come in handy when solicitors come a-knocking. Instead of peeking through the peephole and pretending you’re not there, just open the door slowly, let them begin their little spiel, and then nonchalantly throw the pants at their face when they ask if you’re interested, and stoically shut your door.
Also, I hear tell that pajama pants work even better than SHAMWOWs for cleaning up messes in the kitchen, and they’re like, machine washable, so…
But why wouldn’t you want these? I mean, WHY NOT? They’re so practical!
Here’s what you’re going to do with this: (1) put all unwanted feather underpants in a box, (2) mail that box to me.
If you don’t want to do that, I suppose you could always tear the extra feathers off the undies and use them for arts and crafts. The underwear itself might function as an interesting hat, if you’re feeling a bit saucy.
Don’t feel like stabbing yourself in the gums over and over again and then scolding yourself for not flossing more because apparently you should be flossing your teeth with barbed wire? NO PROBLEM.
These dentistry tools can come in handy around the house! That scraper thingie? Well, I mean, if you’ve ever wanted to carve your name into the underside of your expensive coffee table, then look no further. That tiny mirror? If you’re sneaky enough, you can use it as a mini human side view mirror, so that you never have to worry about people sneaking up on you. I’m not sure what else comes in one of those nifty kits, but just lean with it and rock with it.
All in all: As Taoists believe, naming objects limits them. Once you call a dental tool a pointy death stick, it shall be known as a pointy death stick forevermore, and never as a coffee table scraper. Once you call a can of cheese SPAM a can of cheese SPAM, it loses its deadly projectile qualities. Once you call a Justin Bieber toothbrush a Justin Bieber toothbrush, you can no longer call it a Justin Bieber annoyance stick (with or without Satan Bieber power). Once you… Well, I think you get the idea.
To wrap everything up (in a lovely Christmas bow): (1) present face, (2) look for other ways to use that nonsense so that it doesn’t go to waste. Everyone wins.